Is this real?

i told you i wanted to see you before i left. i was dreading the idea of saying goodbye to you all day. but you left. just up and gone. you said you left bc your mom summoned you. your tweet said you were out eating a fajita. it hurt really bad. i’m not going to let this past year repeat. i’m gonna see you in a week… i hope. at the concert. i hope you come up to me because i wont come up to you. i dont even know if you like me. here’s your test. i want to come up and say hi. but i wont let myself. im not even going to look for you because i’ll be too tempted. i know you’ll be looking for me. and you’ll find me. you have a second chance at saying goodbye to me and i’ll officially forgive you.

a.come up and say hi

b.walk away

c.run up to me and hug the shit out of me (winner winner)

d.just wave

e.completely ignore me

f. i didn’t see you and you possibly didn’t see me.

be back in a week with the answer. 

what if i tried to kiss you?

would you be surprised?

would you pull away? would you push me away?

i wonder if you’d let me.

would you ignore me afterwards?

would you shut me out?

suppose it happened only once? maybe twice?

would it be that terrible?

do you want to too?

what if i leaned in? would you think i was joking? laugh it off and turn away?

do you want to initiate it? make the first move? who really wants to do that.

you strike me as the type who wants to be in control though..

so tell me, love. give me a sign. i feel like you have in some ways, but things you have said have crossed it out.

if i made a kiss me signs/dont touch me signs chart thing, i think it’d be equal on both sides.

when i’m with you nothing and no one else enters this mind.you have my undivided attention.

even if i’m texting or not looking at you… there you are. not for a second do i put you on hold.

can you feel this heat? can you feel how hard i stare at you? can you hear my drumming heart? ca you see how my hands are never still? can you imagine my thoughts?

i want to cup your face in my hands and just look at you. into those eyes.

stroke over your eyelids. feel your lips.

kiss your lips.

what if i tried to kiss you?

damn. i dont know if i believe in love… but this makes me question it. i’ve never felt this way towards anyone. my heart has never wanted anything this much before. i want to give it what it wants but it’s not in my power. i dont think you feel the same way. and i’m not going to risk asking or making a bold move. i’m not that forward. my heart wants me to be. i just can’t. i dont want to lose you. i dont know what it will take to make my heart understand this. if you know, you’re a fucking ass for toying with me. im more fragile than you think. if you don’t know #1 you’re dumb and oblivious. #2 i wish you did so you can turn me down and yell at my heart and tell me you dont care. that would make life easier. even though i dont want it to be easier… i want you to care back. but i dont think you do.. and i dont want you to lie. i just need to know. ugh. i could love you.

#1 you and your friend not only annoyed me, but the gypsy too. and i ignored you. i wanted to be mad at you. you didn’t like not being the center of attention. you didnt like that i wasnt constantly talking or looking at you, darling. how do i know this? you kept touching me. trying to get my attention. i wouldnt do it back. i looked at you and went back to what i was doing. you would poke me. stroke my arm. put your hands on my face. tickle me… poking at my rib area. thats your spot. you told me. you dont know mine… but why would you touch me at your turn on spot? you also stroked my boob. like wtf i leaned into you and your chest. and according to you my ass went right into your crotch. did you like it there? i had a dream that we laid in a grassy field under the stars. you reached for my hands and our fingers linked together. and we were close. it was as if i was your girlfriend. i want to bad things to you. i want to touch you where my fingers have been dying to go. i want to taste you. i want to kiss you and hold you. i want you to lay on top of me and sit with your legs around me and look at me in a way i want you to. i want your hands on me. i want to please and pleasure you. i want you to see how much passion i am holding back. it’s intense. i didnt know i was this strong. 

wow. what i did/do for you.

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i canNOT figure you out. you are sooo manipulative, but i dont think you know you are… or you act as if you dont. i dont see you as the kind to play crazy games like this… but you’re smart enough… but you act so dumb sometimes! today…. at the show… what was that? we looked like a couple! i felt like we were a couple. you kept touching me. holding my knee..NO GRIPPING my knee! and not just with one hand! both hands! and my leg…. i tried so hard not to think about it because when i did it started to shake. you were touching me for most of the night.. we met up and get starbucks… sat outside and talked for a good while. and a good talk. you listened to me a liiiiittle. went to pita pit for lunch. met up for the show you gripped me. got snacks. kept you company while you drew. you showed me your spot. said goodnight. then you mention/kid, “i use you haha i use you for your rum!” like that kills me even though you are (might be) joking around. im the most paranoid person. you keep pointing out “cute” boys and “oh he’s so sexy” ok thats nice. stop now. do i do that? no! stop it! and the other day omg in the mall a girl on a bike rode by and you wouldnt stop gawking over how beautiful and perfect and cute she was. OUCH! 
BUT YOUR HANDS RAPED MY RIGHT KNEE AND CALF TONIGHT! your nails were in me. you held it. you squeezed it. it felt soooo good. but good lord! what was that??? what is this? where is this going??? 

i couldn’t believe how happy and excited you were when i told you i was coming to the show. it made me feel so happy to hear you say that.. even if they were just words. we were at dinner and you said you wish the table wasn’t between us so you could hug me. you looked at me and said, “let’s eye fuck.” and you looked in my eyes. and eye fucked me speechless. i was too dumbfounded and in stars to even try and make my eyes look sexy. but holy shit. and you hugged me that night. and reallyyy hugged me. i was gross. i went to the gym and went to the barn that day and didn’t shower. you knew it, and i told you that i was gross so no hug. you just slammed your bodice into mine and our faced were right next to each other and our boobs meshed. you held me tight and it was long enough so i could breathe in your scent and feel your hair with my cheek. i drove with you there… idk if i was just tired or on cloud 9 that we got a 2 hour drive just you and me. when you left the barn to go home you hugged me again. same strong hug. id really like that right now. you played with my hair a little. i wish you played with it more. i wanted to hold you. i want to hold you.

because of that i had a great day even though someone stole my laundry, didnt finish my math hw in time, and got a 45% on a math quiz. you were playing another one of your games today. first you tell me you got a new bra, showed me what it looks like and pointed out if one was to stare long enough they could see it through your black shirt. later on you said that it’s cold and your nipples are so hard they could cut diamonds and see them through your shirt. you talked to me a little about how you might like sex… and you smoked. you know i think that shit’s sexy as fuck. and you said hold on, i have to tuck my shirt in and went inside a room and i gave you privacy to be respectful, but you asked me why i waited out there…. so i came in and you.. idk i’ve never seen anyone show their underwear so clearly by just tucking in your shirt.. my hands shaked really bad when i saw you the first time. the second time my hands calmed down. you noticed both times. you mentioned that they probably calmed down because i loved you. probably. and when we sat down you leaned against my leg and held it. even that sent shivers through my lungs. you said, “i bet they think we’re a couple.” tha fuck. and you held me when i found out that boy wasnt as cute as i remembered (when i was drunk) and i pulled away a little but you held me tighter. i wanted another cig and you told me no. it’s bad for me. i didn’t know what to do with my hands. so you put my left one, top down, on your leg and patted it over and over. when we said our goodbyes i said no hugs when you asked for one because i smelled like sweat bc i went hard at the gym. you stared at me and slammed into me and hugged me tight. you almost fell but we held each other up. your head was right next to mine in our hairs. i loved that hug. we were so close. i felt your face against mine between our hair. jeeez. why are you doing this? why are you torturing me? i mean in some ways i like it… but it H U R T S . it does. it’s painful. idk what i’ll do when i find you flirting with someone in front of me. i’ll cry. if i ever see you kiss someone. i’ll fall apart. if i find that you love someone else. i think i’ll die on the inside. please dont make me go through any of that.

first off. minor things: i am 100% completely ignored. no one acknowledges that i said something or that im even there. NO ONE CAN BE TALKING! i could be speaking loud and very fucking clear. and NOTHING. is this what being a ghost feels like?

if i say i like her… i very much like her.

if i say it’s more than just a crush… i might love her…. THEN YOU’D THINK THAT I AM CRUSHING PRETTY DAMN HARD, AM I RIGHT?

so when said crush tells me that she misses the feeling of liking someone… and that she doesn’t like anyone and is indifferent towards everybody…. tearing up my thought that something was there… and im over here upset as something i dont know… feeling like someone stabbed my throat and the feeling of edward cullen’s baby is in my stomach … and you are surprised????? you’re upset that i’m this upset over it? are you fucking kidding me? have you not been listening to me for the past 7 months? SINCE SEPTEMBER OF LAST YEAR WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN??? see i knew it. i knew you didnt understand. thats why it felt like shit. bc even though… i told someone to help get it off my chest… technically i didn’t tell anyone. YOU WERENT THERE!